In a highly important experiment in 2006, I gave my then 3-year-old son a tiny box of raisins in his Christmas stocking to see if he’d like it. He thought they were fine.

One year later at age 4 he was absolutely FURIOUS at Santa as this bit of actual audio PERFECTION from the day shows.

My son is now 21 years old, (I’m a thousand), and I’m happy to report he has received some form of raisins for Christmas every year for the last 18 YEARS.

This has included…

The “World’s Largest Raisin” (aka a prune).

Raisinopoly

A raisin lamp (it’s a major award!)

Even a beautiful hand-painted rock!

Which brings us to Christmas 2024. What could Santa possibly bring that would live up to the incredibly high standard that had been set?

I reached out to my friend Ryan Miller, lead singer of the world’s most lovable band, Guster, and brought him up to speed on the last 18 years of raisin gift torture. I asked if he might be interested in writing a song called “Raisins for Christmas.” He found the whole thing funny and was immediately down to give it a shot.

A few days later, he delivered a musical treat that blew my mind! A funny, catchy tune complete with sound bites and a lyrical plot twist! I couldn’t believe it. Ryan may be the real Santa because he saved Christmas!! (Which is extra cool because I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish.)

I proudly present to you “Raisins for Christmas” by Ryan Miller. You’re going to want to blast it and probably invent a new dance craze called The Raisin.

Ryan even hand-wrote the lyrics for my son. That’s it, I’m calling it — all hail our new Jewish Santa.

It’s hard to say where we can go from here. The bar has been set pretty high. A solid gold raisin? A date with the Sun-Maid? A ball-pit where the balls have been replaced by 50,000 raisins? Only time will tell.

All Christmas Raisins posts are here.

Back to the Sneeze homepage